Counting Scars

If anyone is to ever know us – if anyone is to ever truly love us – we must be honest with ourselves, and then be honest with the world. Our differences are what make us unique humans. Our scars, inside and out, are what we should be most proud of.

There are so many things that we hide:

  • Who we were;
  • Who we are;
  • Who we want to be.

But what we have been through is the very definition of who we are. What we dream defines who we will become.

Scars and wrinkles and bruises are what have brought us here. They help us understand what we should (or should not) do next.

I’m looking forward to my next scar, wrinkle, and bruise. I’m seeking them out.

Life is not a museum, where people are lined up like antiques on shelves, pristine and safe. Life is about finding the balance between brave and stupid; Finding the extremes of each emotion. If you aren’t here to live, I don’t know what you’re doing.

Where will you go hunting for your next scar?

An old brick building, beaten by a storm. One corner is covered by an old blue tarp. The other side has block-letters that read, "You are beautiful".

I wrote something long ago and it means more to me every year. It’s the piece that the above “maybe I’ll go naked” quote is from. I no longer have the original. I went through a phase where I thought I should get rid of my old things – including those old poems and songs that I never planned to do anything with. Sometimes depression is really dumb.

I’d love to put it in a book at some point, but how about I try to remember it right now. Right here. “Live,” so to speak.

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I actually wrote this on behalf of another woman when I was about 21 years old. But I learned through the years that I was foreshadowing some of the terrible and wonderful parts of my own life.

I should probably add a warning that it’s a little angry. The premise was spoken word more than a poem. A scene, really. A telling-him-off scene, to be precise. OK. Here goes.

I'm not your "little girl".
Maybe I never was.
Maybe I'm really a boy and this body is just a façade,
Because I'm not made of everything nice.
I've got sugar, yeah, I've got spice.
But no - I'm made of puppy-dog tails.
I've got hornets in my pockets; I've got worms stabbed with rusty nails.

Maybe I am exhausted.
Maybe I am "too tired".
I've been working hard here for quite a while,
Cleaning your house, cooking your meals...
I'm not sorry if I made "too big a deal"
When you blew me off instead of hearing.
You knew it pissed me off. You saw me tearing.
But you just sat there watching TV,
Thinking you'd won.
Pretending you couldn't see, I wasn't quite done.

Oh - so now you're turning red.
Well, honey, I've got colors too.
See this green lingerie? See me hide it from you?
In fact, I think I'll take it off and burn it in a funeral pyre
'Cause it's a hiding place and
I don't need to hide.

Yeah, maybe I'll go naked,
Bare as my tears
So everyone can see my scars.
Everyone can count my years.
'Cause this is my turn now.
You're gonna find out what it's like to be pushed around;
To sit back, not fight.

Yeah, this is my turn now and I have not even begun.
But I've got to go. 
There's work to be done.
I've spent too much of my time on you and your
Narcissistic mess.
I've got my own life to lead.
I've got my own ass to kiss.

Yep – that was pretty much it. Obviously needs some cleaning up, but I’m glad I remembered quite a bit of it. I know I’m missing a verse that used to be there but I can’t think what it was other than really graphic so maybe it’s better without it. I don’t know. Maybe I should be more graphic in general anyway. What do you think?

OK. It is 2:30 AM on a weekday and I am clearly rambling. I started out editing a post from a few months ago and it’s turned into something very different – 3 times longer, anyway. But, eh, it’s one of those nights I guess.

Before I go, I’m going to end this with something I saw recently. I’m not sure where – probably Twitter. I liked it enough to save it to my desktop to help me remember. I think we should all remember this. I’m assuming the picture is correct in that it is a quote from Lisa M. Hayes. “Be careful how you are talking to yourself because you are listening.”

For all you fabulous people out there who need the reminder: It’s okay to love yourself. You don’t need anyone’s permission but your own. Give it. You deserve it. You are worthy of love, scars and all.

With Love,
Luci Lamb
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One thought on “Counting Scars

  1. Having accrued a spectacular number of scars over the years, (most of which are related to a youthful motorcycle accident and ensuing surgeries) I can’t say that I’m looking for the next one, but I have no doubt there will be many more before I leave this mortal coil. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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