Friends,

I am told I might be worrying some of you. There is no need. Yes, I have a chronic case of depression. But it does not define me, nor does it rule me. The story/poem I posted recently (Close Your Eyes) is based on a true experience from my youth. But here I am, in my 40s, in a well-paid career, working toward an even better future.

It’s ok to feel things. It’s ok to not feel things. If you ever feel like you don’t want to play this game of life anymore, please get a second opinion before making any decisions you can’t undo. There are many people who can help – from your doctor, to a religious leader, to a hotline.

For example, NIMH.com says, “Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (Lifeline) at 1-800-273-TALK (8255), or text the Crisis Text Line (text HELLO to 741741). Both services are free and available 24 hours a day, seven days a week. All calls are confidential. Contact social media outlets directly if you are concerned about a friend’s social media updates or dial 911 in an emergency. Learn more on the Lifeline’s website or the Crisis Text Line’s website.

“The Veterans Crisis Line connects Service members and Veterans in crisis, as well as their family members and friends, with qualified Department of Veteran’s Affairs (VA) responders through a confidential toll-free hotline, online chat, or text messaging service. Dial 1-800-273-8255 and Press 1 to talk to someone or send a text message to 838255 to connect with a VA responder.  You can also start a confidential online chat session at Veterans Crisis Chat.”

I always remind myself that nothing is so dire that I have no options. And maybe my issues can help other people deal with their issues.

I am currently helping a friend go through an unimaginable situation. If I stopped participating in my existence, they would be that much more alone. I am not going to do that. I won’t. My life could be so much worse.

If I don’t participate in my life, I have no right to complain about it.

So here I am, participating. And in the meantime, I’ve done a bunch of stuff because I wanted something to change.

So I changed it.

Because, well, fuck it. Nike said “Just Do It.” My version may be less polite, but whatever.

If I lose my job, I’ll get another one. Maybe one that’s less stressful.

We could sell the house and live in a camper and travel. If we run out of money, I could get some freelance work doing editing or admin. I could become a consultant. I could get a job at a pet store and make enough to keep a camper running I think. Whatever.

Not that everyone has the same options that I do. But there is usually something you can do, or some way to look at your options that you have not thought of because you are IN IT. I don’t know your life. I only know mine, so that’s all I can talk about.

If I get dumped or made fun of or get hurt – I’m going to roll with it because, well, I’m already depressed so … no big. I’ll get up tomorrow just like I did today. And I’ll do something for today and something to make my tomorrow better.

That’s what I do. Each day, I do one thing to make today ok, and one thing to make tomorrow better.

Like this morning I vacuumed because it was dusty. This made my afternoon better. And I’m studying to get another certification because I want my job to give me more money.

Do I want to actually do these things? No. But I am wearing my big girl panties today.

It’s my life.

Somedays, I do not accomplish anything. Of course. Do I feel bad about that? No. Because, fuck it. It’s my life. But for the same reason – “It’s my life” – I am accomplishing at least 1 thing every day. Maybe it’s the dishes. Maybe it’s hanging a picture. Maybe it’s grocery shopping. Maybe it’s laundry. Maybe it’s taking a 3 hour test so I can get more money so I can go back to Scotland next year.

No one is going to tell me that just because I’m taking some mood stabilizing meds I can’t make something of my life. Most of the time, I have very little real emotion without the meds. Medicine helps quite a lot actually, so I am less filled with despair and ennui, and can actually notice that there are some other things running around in my head besides “please kill me”. I’m not quitting. I might change the rules, the parameters, but I’m sticking around.

Sorry – I’m going on here. Rambling. Anyway… I am all of the above, but the above is not all that I am.

Love,

Luci

PS. For more helpful links, go to my Informational Links page. And if you feel I should add anything to it, please let me know.

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